Midnight Musings

Lying quietly, still and serene, staring at the square of light outlined across the room. The midnight

gloom penetrating the still dark hours of the morning. Awake and mind tilting, sliding from one

worry to the next, from one wish to another. Suddenly regretting that nose-dive crash-landing at

lunch time, when I dozed off into oblivion and found peace. Escaping from the day’s noises, but

leaving me soaring high in the cloudless sky tonight.

A part of me hoped that as I grew older I’d become wiser and less worried about life. I’ve certainly

grown older, although I feel like I’m nineteen still (except for the wonky knee and the aching back).

Wiser is something you’d have to ask someone else about. I know that I have more opinions on

things. But I also know I have less of a need for anyone to agree with them. And the rest — the

worries — they’re still there. And new ones, new little yapping thoughts to haunt the night hours

when I’m determined to put them away till the breaking light of day, tell me it’s time to face them

again.

These last few days however have seen the worry-load lightened by the fact that my main horse has

seen the physio. It’s her first visit for him, and not before time. The poor big bugger has been

holding it together so willingly. He truly is a star. After a couple of days off and a miserly handful

of walks around the property to check fencing, he’s finally back in actual work. The first day was

difficult to tell if there was a noticeable difference as I’d just bought a new pair of boots. They

swished and swashed as I rode and made it impossible to listen for a footfall. Today, despite the

squeaking of boot on saddle, he felt his old self. Powerful and full of energy, ringing out clear crisp

strides in the outdoor arena. His neck no longer full or tweaks and weakness, but reaching and

supple. His back lifting and strong, with the muscle of the hindquarter pushing through evenly

again. A credit to his new physio, who I discovered also treats humans — so I’ve booked myself in

for a once-over. Little does she know that I’ve been doing Olympic rows, single arm rows, lat

pulldowns, and all sorts of other back-blocking work in the gym. I’ve been working on developing

a decent musculature that can support an 18 3 and look like the picture I have in my head.

My little Dutch horse has decided not to be left behind either, and despite his smaller stature, has

been an absolute saint. He decided it’s all about traveling sideways now that he’s gotten this

‘travelling forward with impulsion’ thing down. We’ve been sweeping seamlessly across the

ground, much to the amusement of the guys putting up the new fencing who don’t seem to be able

to fathom why I can’t make my horse move forward in a straight line.

Some of you will be delighted to know that I did get off the farm this week and go for a proper hack.

Others among you will be equally delighted that my horse thought it appropriate to spin, buck,

spook, start, and propel backwards at high-speed. A thoroughly enjoyable experience, I don’t know

why I had left it for so long to do it.

So before the sun starts peeking under the blinds, I’m going to stop worrying and enjoy the bits in

between. The wonderful giving horses. That fleeting bit of sunshine that’s left my forearms, and

only my forearms, sunkissed. (I tell a lie. Not just my forearms. My mother always told me to put

sunscreen on my sticky-out ears, but do I ever listen? At least the ashen Irish pale is gone from

some of my skin.) And my new boots actually fit and don’t squish my toes!